I too have suffered

I too have suffered
the loss of a loving man
the loss of my precious joy in life
I too have suffered
two lives terminated
so innocently and so tragic
the story of our lives
that ended way to soon
I too have suffered
My little baby P is gone
my loving partner Jean Michel too
they live with me every day
and every night
their images remain in my mind
and in my dreams
I too have suffered
I see his smile every day
and hear the strong heartbeat
I imagine the smile I could have seen
that is now gone
it has been gone for a while
So do not think I know
nothing
about pain
because
I too have suffered
I've endured rejection
after rejection more than I could possibly
want, but I keep on going
because there is no turning back
I too have suffered
I have been discarded and unwanted
like a piece of trash
I thrive and strive everyday
to be a better person
and be the best that I can be
and
I too have suffered
but I give relentlessly and without conditions
I give with no reservations
I love entirely no matter who or what
or when
I live because I am here
and my joys aren't
I choose to live everyday
for those who are still here
I too have suffered
but give tribute to the fallen
Little P & Jean Michel
everyday I pray for you
because you live with me
and will continue living with me
tucked away in the core of my heart
in the depths of my being
enthralled in my soul
I too have suffered
At times life is unbearable knowing
that you will not come back
at times it feels
like an ocean of emptiness
but then I remember
that I am
not alone
even though
I too have suffered

The End

How many more times will I hear
I love you and truly do
I like you just the way you are
you are great, never change
without really seeing it?
I am grateful for those words
but emptiness remains
deep in my heart you stabbed me
with a dagger
so deep that my heart bleeds
every time I breath
My lungs intoxicated with your love
that one you refuse to give me
or do not want to get
why? I ask myself
it would not be the first time
that I hear beautiful and hurtful words
all encompassed in one sentence
You want me in your life
but at a distance where you feel comfortable
every time, you have come back to me
time after time, again and again
we make love, we laugh, we share intimate moments
we talk, we love one another
but only one of us means it
and feels it
Is it you or me?
How many more times will I hear
I love you and truly do
I like you just the way you are
you are great, never change
without really seeing it?
You tell me beautiful words
and love them all, but what
is at the end of that tunnel
nothing, nobody waiting for me
while you have your whole life
waiting ahead
You say you love me but don't really
mean it
you care for me, and I can see it
but you deny it to yourself and I
I have loved you for the longest time
but it is time to stop
so this is the end

Pretender

Here you are again
making promises
pretending that life is great
when it is not
you lie, deceive and cheat
you transform yourself everyday
to everyone's like
but not my liking at all
you can play charades all you want
but do not pretend to care
when you don't
it is so easy to see
you are as transparent like the air
everyone can see through and beyond
you can escape but you can hide
you lie, deceive and cheat
you transform yourself everyday
to everyone's like
you are a pretender
you want to be grand but you can't
you want to be swift but you're rough
you want to be smooth but are rude
you want to love but it just slides by
your words are meaningless most of the time
be careful where you step-in
there could be a landmine
a landmine planted by you
which you will never recognize
if it hit you in the face
stop pretending and live life
because once you get out
there will no one waiting
behind
and stop pretending that you care
when you don't even give
a dam

One

Only one, he said
but another one came
and another
soon he could not see anything
only blurred images came
and went
his balance was a bit off
but he took the key anyway,
he drove home intoxicate
veer here and there
off the road at times
the key still in his hand
the wheel rolling left to right
right to left and center
nothing could stopped him
there was no reasoning
in his inebriated brain
his thoughts were submerged
deep down at the bottom
in the dark were the sharks swim
and no stars shine.
At times he disappeared
hours, days, weeks
but he was always found
in the garbage dump
on a street corner,
in someone's house
but he always came back.
He was a drunk
once, twice, three times
even more
but he was a good man
even when his thoughts
were not clear and his
speech was a slur
Only one, he said
but another one came
and another
soon the bottle was empty
so was his life
he was a drunk
who thought he could only
take one
but we knew otherwise

Cancer

it was a well kept secret
she suffered in silence
never telling a soul
her eyes looked a bit sad
but who could have guessed
what she was going through
not I nor you
but she kept on living
as there was no other choice,
she lived in the corner apartment
she always smiled, we talked
in the elevator, elevator words
we smiled at each other
and i never knew
she never spoke and i rarely saw her
anymore
one day she came
with tears in her eyes
pulling her hair
it was falling on her hands
in pieces, chunks, strands,
nobody knew but her
she could not keep it anymore
the secret so secretly kept
in the corner apartment
where she lived alone
then she confessed
they found something in my breast
it was a lump, something that belong
but not there
they took it out now my hair is
falling out
i can't eat, i feel sick all the time
what should I do?
then she changed but I'll be fine
she said with tears rolling down her cheeks
dripping at the bottom of her chin
running down the ridges of her mouth
drops got into her mouth
she swallowed them hard
her lips shiver, and she trembled
she was scared
the fear in her eyes
could not be denied
her hair was falling out
and she was falling apart,
she laughed hard and cried
harder
it was a well kept secret
she suffered in silence
never telling a soul
her eyes looked a bit sad
but who could have guessed
what she was going through
not I nor you
but she kept on living
she continue to cry
and I stood there
not knowing what
to do
she fell down on her knees
clutching my knees in her
despair
she begged me to help her
there was nothing I could do
but to console her
she cried forever, it seemed
tears rolling down her face
waterfalls of pain
her body was an earthquake
in rage
her voice an erupting volcano,
her life became an infinite sea
into which she slowly drowned
the beast was too strong
stronger than anyone imagined
she used all the life savers given
even thrown at her
she row row and row for miles
thousand of miles
she swam day and night, night and day
into the Black Sea
of despair, there was no salvation
she fought the battle but lost
CANCER took her away
and just like that she left
RIP my good friend

The Wall

It is just there, waiting
it stands there, night and day
day and night, all year long
rain sleekly runs down it
it washes away the foot prints
the fingerprints, hand prints
the chalk marks left behind
then snow swiftly sticks to it
all winter long
it waits lonely under the white covers
it is just there, waiting
it stands there, night and day
day and night, all year long
Spring comes and washes away, the dirt
from it
all tucked in under the snow
it melts the blanket away
the running waters makes it sleek again
it is slippery, and still lonely
lonely for the longest time from Winter to Spring
sometimes even longer
it awaits to be taken
again
it waits to be caress by strong hands
it stands there exposed to all
again
we love it when the sun comes up
and we are able to take it once more
it is a thrill to be with her again
a reunion of sorts
she brings excitement to me and many
some are even addicted to her
but I am just a beginner but I love her
she thrills me and scares me, at times
she is the rock that stands alone
waiting to be taken and conquered
it is the wall
waiting to be climb

Moving Day

Moving day
someone said is like giving birth
it is exciting
the venture of something new
new curtains, new walls, new paint
perhaps a new pan, a new table
a new lamp
who knows
but all you know is that
after all the excitement
the work begins
and you are tired
exhausted even
all you want to do is, sleep
it is painful to move
from here to there
you packed all you needed
all that you possessed and left
the old to the new
a new beginning in life
moving is like giving birth
because even though
you carry no human in you
your back aches
your legs swell, the heat gets to you
and all you want to do at the end
of the day is to sit and rest
moving day is like giving birth
it is painful
it is bothersome
it is just like giving birth
it is moving day

Risen

I always knew that you would

risen from the depths of your life
the death life that took you
to depths you didn't know existed

you have risen

with a new found freedom
a new outlook in life

a humbleness probably never experienced

a new knowledge
something new
all has been forgiven
and all in mind but forgotten

there are pains and scars

physical, emotional, mental
your heart was broken

by your own hand and doing.

it has been a long road
and well traveled even if in pain
new places discovered

people came and went, mostly went

but you remained
you fought, you denied, you accepted
now you say thank you
I am sorry, I love you

you have risen

John Doe

I met him one day
while I was reading on a bench
in a warm Summer day
he sat beside me and said hello
I look at him, smile and replied back
he asked my name
I asked his name, he said my name is John
we talked lively for a while
he talked about his life
and discovered a bit about mine,
everyday after that I sat on the same bench
reading my book, under the Sun
till the sunset at times
he came by most days
some others I missed him or I him
but we always saw each other
from time to time
John talked about waiting for love
his first love ever in life
he was already old when I met him
seventy-nine I think he said
he was gentle, he was kind
and he made me laughed
then we laughed together
he could never remember my name
nor where I am from and he always asked
but I always remember his name John
I missed him at times without even knowing him
John Doe he came to be
I met him in the supermarket the other day
his eyes shone at my sight
and a grin grew across my lips
he extended his hand and shook mine
so gentle, yet strong
he asked my name again
and I said hello John
he was surprised
he asked again where I was from
just like every time
I realized that nothing had changed
he was still John Doe
with a fading memory and a gentle touch
he faded slowly with time
and kept waiting forever
for his first love
he was John Doe
who always made me smile
and who always forgot my name
but never forgot
my face

I love you

Every morning I saw your
big beautiful blue eyes
and every morning you woke me up
with a big kiss on the cheek
the sweetest kiss ever
the most wonderful smile in the world
and the most wonderful words
I love you, when I finally opened my eyes
Then we play together
you smiled, talked faster than you can
yawned and talked still, all at the same time
you hug me under the blankets
your soft and delicate skin so close
and warm
the sweetest kiss ever
the most wonderful smile in the world
and the most wonderful words
I love you, when I finally opened my eyes
You are sweet
your lips are soft on my cheek
your hugs are so hard and full of love
your eyes filled with contempt at times
but always love
your hair flows freely with the wind
you are fierce and adventurous
daring at time, but such a girly girl
I love you too
I love you with all my heart
thank you for being so sweet
and for loving me the way you do
I love you Zoe Rae for all you do