Inside Out

Outside perspectives
do not reflect the inside
when it wabbles and hurts
it is weaken by pain

When we chat there aren't always
smiles and laughter
seriousness doesn't mean:
uncaring, aloof, soulless, unloving,
unthinking, unaware, insensitive,
inhuman, apathetic, anger, unfriendly,
or any negative traits as such
but feelings are being held inside
and the outsider interprets the facial signs
as unemotional and uncaring

If a person replies with a straight face
through untrue accusations
it doesn't mean there are ulterior motives
or that one doesn't acknowledge
facts are what matter and none were
presented

People except laughter or tears
or some type of emotional outburst
to bad news or serious incidents
not all react the same,
crossed arms doesn't mean anything,
even if people think
it means closeness

If the speakers thinks the listener is angry
without any evidence or reason
they already made their mind about the listener
even when the listener says they are not angry
the speakers thinks they know, but they don't

Outside perspectives
do not reflect the inside
when it wabbles and hurts
it is weaken by pain
it bleeds, it really hurts
but life goes on

No person can know another
inside out, ever
only those who really try
and are interested in knowing the other
will truly know them inside out
But never pretend you know
the other person, the way you think
you know

Outside perspectives
do not reflect the inside
when it wabbles and hurts
it is weaken by pain
it bleeds, it really hurts
but life goes on

Majestic

It flies high above in the sky
it dives into the water
for the catch of the day
other birds follow it and accost it
to defend their nests

The crows caw and caws constantly

the seagulls squawk, and squawk

the pigeons cooe and cooe

fighting with the enemy

to no avail

It flies high above in the sky
it dives into the water
for the catch of the day

other birds follow it and accost it

to defend their nests

Do other wish to be like it?

who knows but I wonder

or are they content with their only lives

perhaps, as they have no choice

but the fight keeps on

It flies high above in the sky

it circles and in circles it goes

watchful eyes on the water

and high trees, for any pray

it can find

It flies high above in the sky
it dives into the water
for the catch of the day
other birds follow it and accost it
to defend their nests

It's wings span magnificently

tips spread and body tucked in

claws at the ready to attack, 

grab or simply to land

eyes always on the prize

It's the queen of the sky

magnificent in its own right

it flights high above in the sky

it rules the air with its regal white head

and the smooth gliding across the air

it is the majestic bald eagle

but who else

 

Into The Mountain Pit - Audrey's Plaza Grief

 

Into the mountain pit, I would like to go. And cover myself with your clothes and take in with me your smell and feel you around me to give me strength. To remind me that you are there for me, but I know it already. I would like to go into the Mountain Pit and dive deep inside its darkness, between the rock and the hard place, in the cold of the Amazon Mountain where there is a storm brewing. I would like to dive and stay there for a while with my tears, my sorrow, my pain, my sadness, my depression, my insecurities, and all that is wrong in this world of ours.

Into the mountain pit, I would like to go. And cover myself with the world and explore the darkness within me, find myself, heal myself, be myself. I know you would like to remind me that you are there for me, but I already know it. You will remind me that I can do this thing called life, and snap out of it, but that is not how it works. I would like to be by myself on this short journey of grief, discovery of letting go of my tears, my sorrow, my pain, my sadness, my depression, my insecurities, and all that is wrong in this world of ours.  Let me go into the mountain pit to be reborn and become the person I used to be, or the person I want to be or letting go of who I was and start anew. This is my journey.

Into the mountain pit, I would like to go. I am not asking for much, just to be alone for one moment in time, with you waiting for me on the other side when I would come out stronger, without of my tears, my sorrow, my pain, my sadness, my depression, my insecurities, and all that is wrong in this world of ours. I can feel myself slowly slipping into the mountain pit with a smile on my face, and the sun shining above but slowly fading as I dive into the pit. It is not death that I seek but a silent moment in my life without hearing about war, human to human violence, poverty, mass shootings, children dying.

It would be difficult to understand my desire to go into the mountain pit, I am not mentally weak, or suffering from a mental breakdown, although it might sound like it. Into the mountain pit, I would like to go without having to set my alarm, do the mundane things, reply to society about responsibility. I would like to sleep until I cannot sleep any more and then slowly waking into the world with a new perspective, more wisdom, rejuvenated from years filled with tears, sorrow, pain, sadness, depression and insecurities.

Let me go into the mountain pit, try to understand me for once and let me be me and do this one thing I wish to do. Into the mountain pit, I would like to go, but I know you won’t let me, because you do not understand my purpose, and not understanding it blinds you from seeing what is there. How I feel that this is what I want just one moment in time to explore the darkness within me, find myself again, heal myself, be myself. I know you have always been there for me, help me to go into the mountain pit, where I would like to go to heal myself, and where hope grows for me to move forward without forgetting that deep within, you continue to be in my life and always be.

Gone Into The Wind

I've missed you since you left
even before you left
I missed you, and now you're 
gone into the wind.

Into the wind you went on a sunny day,
departed silently, and hopefully with no pain
you left us so suddenly, it was hard to believe
and telling the news, was even harder.

I cried for days, until I could cried no more
in silence, I suffered, I still suffer
your absence it is so great, when I think of you
tears come to my eyes, and in silence I sigh
because you've gone into the wind.

It was perhaps a good thing,
you did not have to fight to get air
and not able to express yourself
or laughed the way you used to.

Your words got shorter,
and so did your life,
you left us way to soon
gone into the wind.

Our mother misses you,
so dearly and she is very sad
we are sad, I am sad, I feel broken
sometimes
I don't know what happened
you left a big hole, not just in us
but
in the lives of those so near to you
gone into the wind.

We are sad, I am sad, I feel broken
sometimes
but I am glad you were in our lives
and taught us to do the right thing, always.

You will never be forgotten
even when you have gone
into the wind.

Last Days

From the moment he was reborn

he knew his destiny

it was not life itself, but

the end of it

Amongst his many accomplishments

he put his life together

stop drinking, was a good father

provided and loved deeply

he really loved deeply

He painted, he composed, and wrote

he drove across the bridge to showcase

his work, along the company of his son

who faithfully, look after him and helped him

He loved his son's faithfulness, but wanted

him to be free, to live his life, to move on.

He provide encouragement, but the son

continue to be by his side, always

His daughter too, keep an watchful eye

over him "papi, te amo mucho" she would tell him

and he would smile, kiss her forehead 

and hug her, as if it was the last time

But, when the end came

he was ready, he didn't complaint

he lived fully, even then;

he didn't resign or gave up

he just knew, that time had come

and he said "I am ready"

And on the last day of his life

he stayed at home in the loving

company of the woman that always loved him

care for him, and duly helped him always,

that is all he wanted, to be there with her

their loving children and others

Far in the distance, we prayed

we sent him messages

dedicate songs to him, that he knew,

our love was so much more intense

and he knew it, deep in side

Even when the last days were here, 

he smiled and peacefully

faded into the clouds

to live with his creator

the love of his life

Fickle

I always wonder, what is happening - upstairs,
There must be jumbled thoughts
scattered ideas, who know the circles being drawn
swirling around in your head

It is sticky here, I can feel it
she came in last night, while I was sleeping
she sprayed the whole place with sticky, stuff
why is she doing this to me?

I've tried to put myself on those shoes of yours
but seem not to be able to
it is hard to think how, I can possibly think like that
what is happening there my friend, I asked
there is a blank look in your eyes
the question you cannot comprehend

Unaware of your mental illness, you conjure thoughts
make false memories, see things that aren't there
it must be so hard to be inside your mind
and the thoughts reeling one after one
not making sense, invading your mind

So fickle is your mind, but fickler are your thoughts
you can't seem to make up your mind
it must be difficult to be inside your head
there must be jumbled thoughts
scattered ideas, broken visions,
inside your head

There is a movie playing in my head, you say
it goes on and on, it never stops
I don't know how to make it stop
it is just there, right here you point to a place in your head
and then shake your head
"I don't know, I don't know" you say
and look at me with a stare

I am not sick she says,
it is you who is sick
I don't need medication
it is YOU who need it
I'm TOTALLY fine
I'm not CRAZY

She came in and took my notes
while I was in the shower
I was so close to catching her, but I was too late
she must have a camera inside
to see when I go out
then the note is found
"oh she put it back where I left it
just to bother me and confuse me"

My table of 16 years is all worn-out
she put a chemical on it, and ruined it!
She is crazy, not normal, she needs medication
I'm fine, I'm NOT CRAZY
this is my story and it is all true
I know myself

So fickle is your mind, but fickler are your thoughts
you can't seem to make up your mind
it must be difficult to be inside your head
there must be jumbled thoughts
scattered ideas, broken visions,
inside your head

Picking Through

I laid on the grass at the park,

I fell asleep and dreamt.

The world was still here

unchanged, even peaceful 

the colours of nature so vivid

the sky of a blue summer hue

the sun shining and warm high above

people mingling

life was living

Then, still in my dream
a dark cloud appear far away
but quickly approaching
we stood still for one second
watching attentively, of what was coming
we had heard rumor of the cloud
but never thought we would ever see it
We stayed where we had been standing
the cloud taking over
passing over our heads like a gigantic space ship,
clouds clashing in thunder
swiftly moving across the sky
there was, no rain

Then, we looked at the horizon
the blue sky was turning
white cotton clouds sweeping earth
pushing the black cloud away
the sun rays flashing down to earth
bringing life

I woke-up with my hand over my face
unsure if I had been dreaming
I laid there paralyzed
afraid to open my eyes. 
I could hear children's laughter,
people talking, playing games perhaps
still unsure and afraid, but with courage
I picked through my fingers
yes, the horrible pandemic that hit us all,
some, worse than others was gone
it all have been a dream
I felt the sun on my legs
and the blue sky appeared
brushed by soft clouds
and nature vibrant
life is living

Today, I Remember

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

When the twelve salute guns are fired
I remember,
that lives were given for our freedom
that men and women volunteered
to end the evil that had been created
and the chaos that seemed, 
never ending

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

Today, I remember
that 75 years ago, 
the struggle to end the struggle
ended
thousands of lives were lost
but the struggle was won, nevertheless

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
The ones that survive
the ones that never came home

When the fighter jets fly high above in the sky
I remember,
and I bowed my head
and with tears streaming down my cheeks
I say thank you
for all the sacrifices that were made
to give me freedom

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

I remember, that lives were lost
in that moment of silence
where only the Post plays
the sound of sorrow
and sadness

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

Today, I remember
not only those that fought for freedom, but
all those citizens that also lost their lives
imprisoned in camps and send on the train
to their final death destination
and we will never know
the feared and uncertainty that went
through their minds

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home
let's we never forget

Sour Candy Strip

I was not quite sure at the beginning,

I was in the candy store

jars, boxes and containers filled with colour

there was sugar in the air

that's for sure

I walked aisle by aisle looking,

impatiently looking for my sweet

delicious, scrumptious, beautiful

colourful, superb and magical

sour strip candy

I saw it and took a strip

put in my hand and smelled it

sugar oozing from each vain of colour

hmmm mouth watering goodness

I could not contained myself,

I put it in my mouth

it felt like I had been shot up to the sky

I felt magically floating in the air,

there was mellon, lemon and strawberries in this line

I took another

another ecstatic moment

filled with sourness, my salivary glands

working extra hard

filling my mouth with delicious sugar

this time  there was lime, mango and peach

this was IT

I remember seeing fireworks

bursting above my head

even when my eyes were closed

it was the most

wonderful experience of my life

I was not quite sure at the beginning,

I was in the candy store

jars, boxes and containers filled with colour

there was sugar in the air

that's for sure

and just like that,

I fell in love

with this magical and magnificent

sour candy strip

IT Came

It was closer to Spring
we heard about it
but never thought it would come
to pay us a visit, but
IT did

We were asked to stay home
so we did
Some went back to the front-lines
courageously to risk their lives to save others
and uncertain the outcomes

Messages of encouragement were sent,
to keep our spirits up
because we were sad
we felt lonely, we felt torn apart
we were distant, truly distant

It was closer to Spring
we heard about IT
but never thought it would come
to pay us a visit, but
IT did

Spring day came, the sun rose high in the sky
we went running, walking or grocery shopping
but only when needed
still confined to our homes
we felt blessed to still have each other,
to lean on

There in the distance I felt resilience
in those very uncertain times
when we had no answers
of when, how long, why
IT had come

We were asked to stay home
so we did
Some went back to the front-lines
courageously to risk their lives to save others
and uncertain of the outcomes

In the midst of the uncertainty
we feel blessed for all that we have
and hopeful that this too shall pass
and we feel grateful for all that we have,
however small it is

Our center of gravity was shifted
from sure to uncertainty
but courageously we wait for the cure
we are extremely blessed for all that we have,
and, amidst uncertainty we are hopeful
for a better future and remain grateful 
and positive that this too shall pass

IT was COVID-19

Thank you!