Fickle

I always wonder, what is happening - upstairs,
There must be jumbled thoughts
scattered ideas, who know the circles being drawn
swirling around in your head

It is sticky here, I can feel it
she came in last night, while I was sleeping
she sprayed the whole place with sticky, stuff
why is she doing this to me?

I've tried to put myself on those shoes of yours
but seem not to be able to
it is hard to think how, I can possibly think like that
what is happening there my friend, I asked
there is a blank look in your eyes
the question you cannot comprehend

Unaware of your mental illness, you conjure thoughts
make false memories, see things that aren't there
it must be so hard to be inside your mind
and the thoughts reeling one after one
not making sense, invading your mind

So fickle is your mind, but fickler are your thoughts
you can't seem to make up your mind
it must be difficult to be inside your head
there must be jumbled thoughts
scattered ideas, broken visions,
inside your head

There is a movie playing in my head, you say
it goes on and on, it never stops
I don't know how to make it stop
it is just there, right here you point to a place in your head
and then shake your head
"I don't know, I don't know" you say
and look at me with a stare

I am not sick she says,
it is you who is sick
I don't need medication
it is YOU who need it
I'm TOTALLY fine
I'm not CRAZY

She came in and took my notes
while I was in the shower
I was so close to catching her, but I was too late
she must have a camera inside
to see when I go out
then the note is found
"oh she put it back where I left it
just to bother me and confuse me"

My table of 16 years is all worn-out
she put a chemical on it, and ruined it!
She is crazy, not normal, she needs medication
I'm fine, I'm NOT CRAZY
this is my story and it is all true
I know myself

So fickle is your mind, but fickler are your thoughts
you can't seem to make up your mind
it must be difficult to be inside your head
there must be jumbled thoughts
scattered ideas, broken visions,
inside your head

Picking Through

I laid on the grass at the park,

I fell asleep and dreamt.

The world was still here

unchanged, even peaceful 

the colours of nature so vivid

the sky of a blue summer hue

the sun shining and warm high above

people mingling

life was living

Then, still in my dream
a dark cloud appear far away
but quickly approaching
we stood still for one second
watching attentively, of what was coming
we had heard rumor of the cloud
but never thought we would ever see it
We stayed where we had been standing
the cloud taking over
passing over our heads like a gigantic space ship,
clouds clashing in thunder
swiftly moving across the sky
there was, no rain

Then, we looked at the horizon
the blue sky was turning
white cotton clouds sweeping earth
pushing the black cloud away
the sun rays flashing down to earth
bringing life

I woke-up with my hand over my face
unsure if I had been dreaming
I laid there paralyzed
afraid to open my eyes. 
I could hear children's laughter,
people talking, playing games perhaps
still unsure and afraid, but with courage
I picked through my fingers
yes, the horrible pandemic that hit us all,
some, worse than others was gone
it all have been a dream
I felt the sun on my legs
and the blue sky appeared
brushed by soft clouds
and nature vibrant
life is living

Today, I Remember

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

When the twelve salute guns are fired
I remember,
that lives were given for our freedom
that men and women volunteered
to end the evil that had been created
and the chaos that seemed, 
never ending

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

Today, I remember
that 75 years ago, 
the struggle to end the struggle
ended
thousands of lives were lost
but the struggle was won, nevertheless

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
The ones that survive
the ones that never came home

When the fighter jets fly high above in the sky
I remember,
and I bowed my head
and with tears streaming down my cheeks
I say thank you
for all the sacrifices that were made
to give me freedom

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

I remember, that lives were lost
in that moment of silence
where only the Post plays
the sound of sorrow
and sadness

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home

Today, I remember
not only those that fought for freedom, but
all those citizens that also lost their lives
imprisoned in camps and send on the train
to their final death destination
and we will never know
the feared and uncertainty that went
through their minds

Today, I remember
I remember the fallen
the ones that survived
the ones that never came home
let's we never forget

Sour Candy Strip

I was not quite sure at the beginning,

I was in the candy store

jars, boxes and containers filled with colour

there was sugar in the air

that's for sure

I walked aisle by aisle looking,

impatiently looking for my sweet

delicious, scrumptious, beautiful

colourful, superb and magical

sour strip candy

I saw it and took a strip

put in my hand and smelled it

sugar oozing from each vain of colour

hmmm mouth watering goodness

I could not contained myself,

I put it in my mouth

it felt like I had been shot up to the sky

I felt magically floating in the air,

there was mellon, lemon and strawberries in this line

I took another

another ecstatic moment

filled with sourness, my salivary glands

working extra hard

filling my mouth with delicious sugar

this time  there was lime, mango and peach

this was IT

I remember seeing fireworks

bursting above my head

even when my eyes were closed

it was the most

wonderful experience of my life

I was not quite sure at the beginning,

I was in the candy store

jars, boxes and containers filled with colour

there was sugar in the air

that's for sure

and just like that,

I fell in love

with this magical and magnificent

sour candy strip

IT Came

It was closer to Spring
we heard about it
but never thought it would come
to pay us a visit, but
IT did

We were asked to stay home
so we did
Some went back to the front-lines
courageously to risk their lives to save others
and uncertain the outcomes

Messages of encouragement were sent,
to keep our spirits up
because we were sad
we felt lonely, we felt torn apart
we were distant, truly distant

It was closer to Spring
we heard about IT
but never thought it would come
to pay us a visit, but
IT did

Spring day came, the sun rose high in the sky
we went running, walking or grocery shopping
but only when needed
still confined to our homes
we felt blessed to still have each other,
to lean on

There in the distance I felt resilience
in those very uncertain times
when we had no answers
of when, how long, why
IT had come

We were asked to stay home
so we did
Some went back to the front-lines
courageously to risk their lives to save others
and uncertain of the outcomes

In the midst of the uncertainty
we feel blessed for all that we have
and hopeful that this too shall pass
and we feel grateful for all that we have,
however small it is

Our center of gravity was shifted
from sure to uncertainty
but courageously we wait for the cure
we are extremely blessed for all that we have,
and, amidst uncertainty we are hopeful
for a better future and remain grateful 
and positive that this too shall pass

IT was COVID-19

Thank you!

It all ended at the bridge

It was their anniversary
They decided on a dinner date at seven
off they went, hand in hand
kisses were exchange, laughs and flirtatious glances
All was in place as he had planned

Dinner was amazing
The truffle mushrooms to die for
the lobster unforgettable to say the least
The champagne and white wine superb,
And what a magnificent dessert,
The bill was pricey but it was worth it

They went out on the chilly night
holding each other, arm in arm
they stopped at the corner of Robson and Denman
they glanced at each other and kissed,
a warm hug exchanged
smiles were plentiful

They walked towards the park
The skylight illuminated by the city lights
and the reflection of the docked boats was incredible
She has a different skip on her step
more lively and happier
her face radiated with love;
this is why I fell in love, he thought,
a smile appeared on his lips

The water softly touching the wall
Its sound soothing and calming
and suddenly as if fort he first time
there in the distance their final destination appeared

They have been here, many times
her heart skipped a bit and nervously she laughed,
They looked at each other, he pull her in
“Let’s keep on walking. It’s a beautiful night” he said

They reached the bridge,
ten years they had been together
he was nervous and so was she
the expectation was great
will he propose this time? she wonder
how will she react? he ponder

They reached middle of the bridge
they stood there admiring the lights
the cargo ships illuminated like Christmas trees
idle in the water, waiting for their turn to dock
“So, what was is that you wanted to talk about?” She asked
her voice shaking with excitement, the wind blowing on her hair
her nose red from the chilled air.
He took her in his arms
hugged her and took a deep breath
“I don’t think we can be together anymore”, he said
She fell to the ground, he tried to catch her but she slipped
“I’m sorry”, he said
She stunned yelled at him “leave, before I say the unthinkable”

He walked away slowly with his head down as if defeated
He heard her cried
“Good-bye Mathew!” she managed to yell
he turned around, she was standing on the rail
he ran to stopped her, but it was too late
and just like that,
it all ended at the bridge

In Your Eyes

In your eyes
I saw happiness and sadness
but also deep pain and suffering
to long to be keeping it in

Your eyes told me I need help
I want to connect 
I need love and trust
but mostly I need you to listen

In your eyes
I saw the thinking going up above
going into the inner circles of your life, 
drilling deep within those trap memories
that bring so much pain

In your eyes
I saw the tears falling down my cheeks
but I also felt the love you could give
without even asking one single time

In your eyes
I saw natural understanding between you and I
no one else but you and I
thinking without thinking
appreciating each other, as we are

Your eyes told me, I need help
I want to connect
I need love and trust
but mostly I need you to listen

In your eyes 
I saw happiness and sadness
but also deep and pain and suffering
to long to be keeping it in

"The eyes are the windows to the soul"
goes the saying and so true it is
I looked into the window and saw chaos
pain, loss, happiness, suffering and understanding

In your eyes, I saw you!
standing face to face
sharing that one moment
one single moment capture in time
by you and I, but never to be shared again

In your eyes
I saw the pain and suffering within
the window is open now
let the air get in and capture it
fly away in the cloud above the sky and dream,
but never forget, that we are here today
connected between ocean and the mountains
sharing this one moment in time
that we'll never get back
and your eyes told me, it is OK
it is time!

Good-Bye

It was once a beautiful thing
it grew from the unknown
and from the ashes it rose
like a flame into the spring air

Texts were exchanged
coffee meetings arranged
family visits organized
dinners were had

Laughter was always present
trials and tribulations discussed
long time memories gone by shared,
hope was always there

Hugs were given
gifts were bought and given
precious memories were created
and today that's all, they were

We waited for miracles
sending resumes here and there
typos were corrected and formatting re-framed
and counsel given to become the best

A miracle happened after so many tries
an opportunity was given and taken
assurances were given that work will get done
anything for this one opportunity

People loved you but I loved you the most,
you changed so much, I hardly recognized you
that woman I once knew, it has disappeared
you're needy and cry all the time 

Our friendship was torn to pieces
all scattered here and there
intertwined words were said 
you want to be right and so do I
but for sure one of us, isn't

In attempt to mend the broken pieces
another coffee was had, tears shed, hugs given
but the magic ended when guilt was introduced
and blame put at the for front of this magical moment
"If I succeed you will be the reason" you said, and then
"If I failed it will be your fault" those were the spoken words
and like a dagger, they went straight to my heart

But it is OK, and today I bid you good-bye
with tears shed and true relief in my heart
because the burden is no longer mine
but yours and only yours, alone

Yesterday, Today's Memories

They were twenty four,
sixteen left and we still here
going through the motions
that will keep us alive

We will go the bedroom
which is still intact, and look at it
intensively, pensively with
tears in our eyes, and think
I can remember when he was
just a little kid and painted on the wall
and with sad laughter we will,
remember them

In the bathroom the toothbrush
remains, the shampoo now untouched
the bar soap still, the curtain with the fish
hanging on the rod
our hand will touch it trying to feel
that someone that is no longer there,
with tears in our eyes we will think
how silly, and sadly smile

We will go to the garage
but will not open the door,
afraid to see the hockey sticks
lined up neatly in a row
ready to go

The hockey skates will be hanging
on that nail along with the rest,
the equipment bag so stinky,
and, we will remember
how we told them
just wash it man!

When we to go the arena
to cheers others
we will have tears in our eyes
go Humboldt Broncos go! We will yell
but no one will hear us,
with that deep knot on our throats
cutting at the edges
slicing us like a knife
ever so slowly, remembering
that they are no longer here,
and, we'll sink in our seats
our heads hanging by a thread
hoping to see her fixing bodies
and him scoring goals

Yesterday will be today's memories,
as we flip through the photo album
of when she was a cheerful child
full of life;
and he was only beginning to skate 
and trying to stop the pucks
coming into the net, 
even at only three
he was a champion we will think,
with tears in our eyes
and we will shake our heads,
and wondering - How this all happened?

We will sink in our beds
trying to comfort one another,
but only briefly we will feel better
as the absence of that person
that we loved once is no longer here
We will blame ourselves
but there is no need, why should we?
After all he wanted to play hockey,
and she wanted to mend the broken muscles
they died doing what they loved
Yeah, that's what we will say
trying to make ourselves feel better

But no, yesterday, today's memories
we will move on with our eyes focus straight ahead
and our memories in the past
because that is all we have now
we will never get over it, no one ever will

We were lucky to have have them
we will think but no, not true
with tears in our eyes
and semi-smiles on our faces
we will comfort one another
trying to make sense of the senseless
trying to comprehend
and think today about yesterday

Go Broncos go! We will yell
but no one will hear us,
with that deep knot on our throats
cutting at the edges
slicing us like a knife
ever so slowly, remembering
that she and he are no longer here
and we sink in our seats
our heads hanging by a thread
hoping to see her fixing bodies
or him scoring goals

Yesterday is all we have left
and will fondly and lovely
remember today what happened
at Thanksgiving or the playoffs,
who scored what goal
and that save that make our
goalie number one,
and our team victorious

Yesterday, today's memories

We Fell on Our Beds

And we fell on our beds
tired and exhausted
after long weeks of teaching
going from one site to the next,
or just not going anywhere 
but working like a horse,
no, worse than a horse, I would say

We fell on our beds
after endless working group meetings
sometimes discussion all those JIRA tickets
and other times asking shall we escalated, who can decision
there is no quorum to make a decision
who should we call?...oh man we are doom!

And we fell on our beds
after countless hours designing working books
to teach people how to use the system,
and, what it seemed infinite pointless discussions on
content, language, policy, med rec
ED and Trauma, and so much more

When that Good Thursday came along
that was the day when it all changed,
after long meetings, going to CCOAT
or CSC or maybe Providers, with
Nursing to no end in sight, and Pharmacy 
with discussion of things missed;
we left with brains made of jelly
or totally toast of too much thinking

It was a "Good Thursday", oh yes sweet Thursday
came to us just in the nick of time
to save us from insanity after
twelve hour days, cut over and such;
organizing meeting, GoToMeeting not working,
Confluence just doing its thing, and JIRA just
creating tickets and tickers, the line up is infinite
Where is the coffee god - dammit?!

Yes, it was a "Good Thursday" Oncology changing this meeting
and that other one, contact Dr so and so, if not available
call the other one, you know who; changing Tcons
room numbers, revising documents, drafting minutes,
cancelling meeting, listening to others chatting, how was the
week, "oh gosh I'm dead" someone would say, just like the rest of us
And with that at the end of the day
we fell on our beds with eyes wide opened thinking
on that piece of code we cannot figure out

The word of the week was"crazy" and everyone took note,
I can't tell one day from the other people whispered
There are no rooms to meet to boot, so the kitchen would do
projecting on the walls to get it all, just right.
The Communications team earnestly working their
magic words into communication plans and that
Declaration of System for Patient Care, it's just a doozy!
And with those thoughts we fell on our beds

We forward one hour last month, the days go faster it feels
but no it is the same amount of time, it just we have so much
to do, 
but we don't think, we just do
We go on, writing policy, typing new documents, creating
user guides, pushing the WOWs around the hallway to make
sure all is properly working and ready to go;
and, after trying and fixing ,we left satisfied
That night we fell on our beds exhausted

After jobs well done, congrats here and there,
celebrating someone's birthday, thanking those that
need to be thanked, recognizing work where it was due
or learning that someone is leaving, the week just got harder,
to say the least! 

But we went on for that one week specially,
after months of desperate attempts to fix the unfix-able,
logging JIRA Support tickets to unlock that SUD schedule,
and braking all the formulas on that complex tracking sheet
We went home with our problems in our heads and
fell on our beds with heavy hearts

This week was harder than any other, with that Je ne sais quoi
feeling in the gut that made us cried the other day
Our patience reaching the limits, 
we blame ourselves I should have done that, I know I should have but we didn't,
and with the door kicking us behind, literally we went home
with embedded frustrations on every part of our body,
we fell on our beds, incapacitated

But on that Thursday...
We went home - we really did
And let it all go, drank and ate with gusto
and proud of a hard week's work, and grins in our eyes
we fell on our beds and thank the gods for this so much
needed respite, to give us the energy to keep on going

Oh yes, it was a "Good Thursday...to fall in our beds"