Carolina

Carolina
I think of you
your ebony skin, your big ivory smile
you brighten my days when we were young
made me cried with you crocodile
tears rollings down your beautiful cheekbones
I will never forget you
YOU remain in my mind since I was eleven
I remember your raspy voice, big brown eyes
and slender figure
you wanted to be a MODEL
I will never forget your
picture on the paper
it brought a smile to my
face
just to wipe it away with sorrow
tears, pain, fear, shock
you were dead found on some hole
dumped like a piece of trash
along with your family
This was the price you
had to pay for others mistakes
you left us in despair
but I will never forget
YOU
your raspy voice, your beautiful honey
brown eyes, your great ivory smile
your hugs
YOU
The memory of you, remains in my head
imprinted in my soul, forever in my life
I always think of you
even when you have been for so loooong

Carolina
so bright, so alive
at sixteen taken away, too soon
I cannot forget you
nor the impact you
made in my life
YOU
were buried alone
nobody to put roses on your
grave
nobody to sing Amazing Grace
nobody to pray for you
in that unfortunate day
when someone took
your life away
in the middle of the night
without scrupulous, without sense
you left us so young
at sixteen
your life was
laid ahead
BUT
cut at the knees
at the head
everywhere
a senseless betrayal
of unpaid debts
drug dealings
stolen goods
IT was a lesson
a silent message
to
those who stole
from North to South
East and West
a bloody lesson
Carolina
I miss you still
and you remain in my
mind after all this time
you still there
living deep in the
recesses of my life
in the crannies of my
soul
Carolina
this
a tribute to your life
because, you were never
given a chance
to live fully and make your
dreams
come
TRUE
Carolina
you LIVE in
my
SOUL

In and Out

Sleep, run, sleep more
run even more
away from the realities

of life

I am tired, exhausted,
from the dealings

of reality

There are creases, lines,
wrinkles in my
forehead they carry
the pain

of my existence

I live in and out
of this world
out and in on this world

of living

I get pull from pole to pole
as if the universe has stop
and gravity is no
longer

at my feet

In an out I live
as if in eternal sleep
I walk on this world
as if in eternal

sleep

Even when my eyes
are open
they are close
as if in a deep

stupor

Meanwhile the world
keeps on turning
orbiting in space
never stopping
always rotating
in the heels

of the universe

I live in and out
of this world
out and in on this world

of living

In and out
out and in
I live
BUT never sure
if

in this world

NO more

I feel tossed away
you made me feel
tossed away
like an empty ink cartridge
use and discarded
toss aside while you keep working
on the other lovers in your
life
yes, I feel used
only needed when you
have no one
to kiss or used
it is always lies
"I never kissed you like that
before"
"I really love you"
but nothing means anything
there is just emptiness
you only used the ink
while writing the chapters of your
life
while you grieve, your loss
and more
while there is time to have
fun
why not? you tell yourself
But, I've always been there
on the edge of the page
where the margins are narrow
and the lines seem deeper
it is hypocrisy that of which
you speak
Yes, we "are" friends
but only when convenience allows
it
only where there is hurt in
your life
but not mine
because your hurt somehow is
"deeper"
as I if have never felt your "hurt"
We are friends
but only when you need
"me"
when life is hard
and there is nobody else but
"me"
I remain in the sidelines
hidden in the deep recesses of your
life
I feel tossed away
you made me feel
tossed away
like an empty ink cartridge
use and discarded
toss aside while you keep working
on the other lovers in your
life
they are better, without colour
socially higher and more special
we have cried
together
we have felt
each other
I have always been there
in the recesses of your life
hidden in the creases of your
"reality"
but no more
you either take me or leave
me
but not both
I want to be visible
in your
life
I have always been there
in the recesses of your life
hidden in the creases of your
"reality"
but no more

a NEW life

I heard today
for the first time
the heart beat of a NEW life
a thousand millions beats
per second, I think
it is so fast
thump, thump, thump
the little heart beats
a NEW life has began
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen
sixteen weeks
who knows, who cares
all I know is
A NEW life has began
deep within me
I can feel it
it makes me sick
it makes me tired
it makes me whole
it makes me sleepy
and it makes me happy
a NEW life has began
surrounded this NEW life will be
of love, gifts, hugs and kisses
all encompass in a life
so new so strange so innocent
yet still incomplete, but alive
a million infinitesimal cells
are running wild
wild running
up and down
everywhere
I cry without reason
I laugh of joy
I live fully
for this
NEW
life

checking OUT

I am so tired
tired, tired, tired
exhausted and tired
tired and exhausted
I don't know anymore

so t i r ed of l i v i n g

some people say,
I am scared of life
I am running away
I am checking OUT
I cry and I laugh
and unconsciously live
I walk today, tomorrow I sleep
I am tired, so tired
tired and exhausted
ready to go to another world
love is futile except a mother's love
life is easy yet we make it hard
harder than it is suppose to be

I am so t i r e of of l i f e

I am checking OUT
I take pills from this and that
blue, red, yellow, white
any colour would do now
it doesn't matter
what matters is the end
just so close and yet so far
now I just wait
I am checking OUT
The vodka helps
to numb the pain
it goes down easy
I feel nothing but a burning
down my throat
it feels good
I am so tired
tired, tired, tired
exhausted and tired
tired and exhausted
I don't know anymore

so t i r ed of l i v i n g

some people say
I am scared of life
I am running away

I AM
checking OUT

In The Pew

I sat in the pew all alone
surrounded by myself
nobody to hold my hand
in prayer, or a shoulder where
to lean my head on
no warmth risen from one side
or the other
only emptiness in the pew
the peace hug was uneventful
no tears or love I felt
because you were not there
as I was all by myself
the prayers were as usual
but you were missing
in the pew
Your presence is so grand
it is missed every single day
from sunrise to sunset
I sat alone in the pew
When I held hands with the others
there was no love, but tears
in my eyes
I felt your absence even more
I walked the streets, we strolled together
nobody to run for the bus with
only emptiness
and I sat at church listening
to the prayers
I sat in the pew all alone
surrounded by myself
nobody to hold my hand
in prayer, or a shoulder where
to lean my head on
I was alone in the pew

Waiting

You're gone but remained
the scent of your perfume
your kisses,hugs and more
all enclosed in my memory
and engraved in my heart
The dishes still dirty in the sink
there's not clattering of glasses
nor clinking of forks, spoons and knifes
in the kitchen
The mosh doesn't even taste the same
its consistency is even worse
the smells in the kitchen are not the same
either, but you remain
There's an empty spot in my bed now
where you used to be
where every night you read or I
or we both share a reading
the spot where I laid beside you
and we hug and kissed before
turning in
There are missing shoes in the hallway
of my apartment
where yours used to be
the towel strung on the curtain railing
still there waiting for you
when you return, any time now
waiting
The scents of you remain
but there's nobody to laugh
or prepared dinner with
nobody to hug before I go to bed
but you still remain
engraved in my memory and in my being
I miss you so much
and love you even more,
but I know you are there
loving me with all your heart
and all the love in your soul
Thank you mom
for all that you have been and are
I love you
I am patiently waiting

live it

Don't be a follower
and don't be a fool
thinking you've accepted things
when you really haven't.
Yes, life goes on and so do we
without those that we have
loved the most,
even those who we only
embraced for a few hours.
Life is full of lessons
good and bad, others teach us
we teach them, we both learn
perhaps but not for sure,
in the midst of our pain
we try to find happiness, anywhere
from anyone we come close to,
even if it means giving up,
our dream.
The dream that you had already realized
but, that was taken away from you,
in seconds,
the love given to you, without conditions
the dream house with the big backyard
the car, the home, the warmth, the love
the happiness that always eluded you,
but that you finally found.
It was not a dream, but a reality
that disappeared in the air
which is now buried underground
to never come back.
Love has been given to you
one time after another
but you don't really care
you brushed it of again and again
You aren't sure of what you want
not even if you really want anything
Follow your heart but don't be a follower
be the leader of your life
a bright future awaits
even when it looks bleak,
you are living and life is here
so live it as if you were
ALIVE

just a game

It is just a game
dice are played
tokens moved from left to right
or right to left
decisions need to be made
and unclear at times,
clarifications are made by others,
in the game,
they are not trying to influenced anyone's
decision,
but trying to be helpful
in any case there are unhappy parties
it is all the same
it is just a game
where we throw dice, lucky or unlucky
we draw a number,
of course the the goal is to win
but for me mainly to have fun,
I don't care much on winning
but if I do, well, that is always great
I try to avoid conflict
whenever I can, I am a peace maker
the middle man
but others just want to win
and when they do not
moods change and the whining begins
We all play different, no question about
that
it is just as game and that is all it should
remain
no hard feelings if you win, nor if I
even if a third person wins
In the end, it is all about strategy
and not about luck
every move has been thought out
through, except
the dice throw
it does not matter how you throw it,
no one can predict the number that
will come up
it is just what it is
the throw of the dice
is your only chance,
but in the end
it is just another game
No need to take it personally
or against anyone
but when it comes to financial
games do not include me,
that is why I have a financial adviser
who takes care of my money
put is where it best for me
that is also just a game
but the stakes are higher
in the end
of any
game

My father is gone

My father is gone, but he keeps on living, in me, somehow, somewhat, somewhere in between light and darkness he is. Where are you really in heaven or hell, maybe in limbo. You were never a perfect man, nor I wanted you to be, just wanted and expected you to be fair, but were you Our story is like many that is barely shared, you were always absent but there in the darkness visibly hiding from our lives. I knew you but did not, like I wish I could have, but I think you never wanted to be known. I saw you everyday in that old and yellow picture in my wallet, when you were young. Our memories together are minimal, yet, they are ingrained in my mind and why I cry tears for you? I ask myself, but then I know because all the love I felt for you. I walk in the light of darkness, what a metaphor so contradicting just like this world. You left when we were young and never came back. Excuses were made for you and finally one day the truth was revealed, but it was too late, because I had been loving you for so long.
My father is gone, but he keeps on living, in me, somehow, somewhat, somewhere in between light and darkness he is. Our story is like many that is barely shared, you were always absent but there in the darkness visibly hiding from our lives. You lived in familiar but strange walls amongst strangers but familiar faces. You kept a sacred secret hidden from the world but present in your mind. We were the unknown soldiers left behind who survived even in your demise.
You left and we stayed.You forgot but I kept remembering. You loved me for moments in time and I loved you all my life.You were forever in my mind and forever gone, and now you are gone forever, but my love will always go on. You were always absent but there in the darkness visibly hiding from our lives.
Today, my father is gone